Why nurturing friendships outside of marriage are good for you.

When was the last time you or your spouse spent separate time with your own friends? Maybe it's a phone call to catch up or weekend away. Maybe it's a weekly occurrence or seems like a rare treat. Wherever you fall right now, the fact is that nurturing outside friendships is good for you – and your marriage. Here are a few reasons why.

You'll find fulfillment that allows you to bring more to your marriage.

You probably have interests, hobbies, and passions that your spouse doesn't share. Maybe you're feeling burnt out from the responsibilities of work or home life and need some time to recharge your batteries. Connecting with good friends and investing in those friendships can boost us in ways we didn't know we needed. It provides an additional outlet to pursuing things that keep us growing and evolving, filling your cup so that you're energized and ready to bring your full self to your relationship.

You'll practice relationship skills.

Empathy, respect, emotional intelligence, being a good listener. You try to practice all of these things in your friendships, right? Now think about your marriage. We should put effort into these same skills with our spouse, but for some reason, they tend to get the short end of the stick. Whether it's because we're so comfortable with them or we're simply around them so much more, we can get a little lazy in terms of treating them with the same regard we offer a good friend. Nurturing outside friendships gives us the opportunity to keep these relational skills fresh and carry them over into our marriage when we need the extra reminder.

You'll gain new perspectives.

Whether it's their view on current events or a challenge you're facing with a coworker, friends can help you see things through a different lens, giving you a more well-rounded perspective. They can offer insight and advice that your spouse just might not be able to provide in a certain situations, or maybe that you're just not able to hear. Applied to your marriage, being open to new perspectives is crucial when it comes to handling conflicts, navigating a compromise, or simply problem-solving an issue you're facing together.

You'll maintain your own sense of identity.

In a healthy marriage, there is a balance between "I" and "we", between time spent together and time spent apart. Outside friendships helps you achieve that. You'll both be able to pursue separate interests and adventures with your friends, and come back together with new stories and experiences to share with each other. You'll be better able to grow and evolve as individuals allowing you to bring your best selves to a dynamic couple relationship, instead of falling into co-dependent patterns.

A caveat

When we talk about investing in friendships outside of our marriage, we mean healthy friendships, not toxic ones. Good friends are supportive of you and your marriage, honor your relationship with your spouse, align with your values, and contribute to your life in a positive way.

A tip

Supporting each other in nurturing friendships is key. You might need to have a conversation about what balance feels like in terms of each of you spending time separate time with friends. It you have children, there's a lot more coordination involved, so communication is critical.

Sometimes we might say our spouse is our "everything", but they can't be our only thing. When we put that sort of pressure on ourselves or each other, it can feel paralyzing or constricting. This often results in the opposite of the intended effect as we're less able to focus our energy in the right places to truly be the partner our spouse needs. That's why cultivating friendships outside of marriage is such an important part of enriching yourselves as individuals – and ultimately enriching your relationship.

Very Respectfully,

Tim Salomon
520-505-1595